Fear of Death
by Hermina05
Summary: Ikuto's thinking about life, death, regret and what he will leave behind. Story better than summary. please read. Sad and makes you think. The story is up on my LiveJournal account under the same username.


_I do not own Shugo Chara or the caracters. I just own the story. I hope you'll like it._

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**Fear of death**

Why are we so afraid of death? Some say that people fear the thought of being forgotten. That no one will miss us when we die. Others say that we are scared of what awaits after death. Will we born again? Will we go to Heaven or Hell? What would it be like? Will we remember what happened? And a lot of people are just afraid of the pain, because painless death does not exist. Is it right? I guess it is. Even if you die instantly in an accident, there has to be something. It might be that you're not feeling pain, just surprise or fear, but that is painful too. Knowing that it's the end.

Well, lying in my death bed, I think I'm afraid of something else. I am afraid of not having the life I should have had. I know there are things I should have done, and others that I shouldn't have. There are people I should have been nicer to. I shouldn't have to be a burden to my family, my friends.

Do you think it's better to know how much time you have left? Or is it better to just simply die, without knowing in the morning, that this is your last day? Let me tell you. When someone says that you have less than a year to live… it can crush you. When they tell you, that you have cancer, and they can't do anything to make you healthy again. When you have to tell the love of your life this, and see her cry. When you have to live with this information, and you can practically hear the clock ticking. When you have to pretend that you're okay, because you don't want others to worry or to think that you're afraid. And they can't imagine what you're feeling. How scared you are. How much you want to be hugged and be told that everything will be alright, and all this is a bad dream, and you're going to wake up, and laugh about it. But that will never happen.

Life is cruel. I'm 25 years old. I got married a year ago. I had to wait a lot, because my little strawberry was under age. Yeah, that's what you get when you're girl is 5 years younger than you. I proposed on her 19th birthday, and we got married on her 20th. And two and a half months later I was rushed to the hospital, because I fainted. That's when they told me that I have less than a year, because I have brain tumor. It was some Christmas gift. I didn't know how to tell Amu, so I just didn't. I was released from the hospital, and just went on with my life. But she noticed that something was wrong. I had to tell her. She was crying all night, and I was just holding her, telling her that everything's going to be all right, but both of us know that it's not true.

Eventually we had to tell this to my parents and hers. Then we let our friends know about it too. That was the worst. I can deal with the pain, the nausea, the dizziness, but I can't handle the way they look at me. They are waiting for me to die. They try to take care of me, give me everything. But that's not what I want. I want to pretend that I am fine. I know it sound weird because previously I said that it's hard to pretend that I'm okay. And it is. But still. I'd like to live while I can.

Five months later I had to go to the hospital. I was feeling weak, and I couldn't handle the pain. After a few hours of silence and tests a doctor came in. I knew it when he looked at me that there's something wrong. Then he said it. "I'm sorry, but you have less than two months." I couldn't believe it. They said I have a year, and it was 5 months ago. Now he says I have two months. I saw my little strawberry cry, and I hugged her. I didn't want to make her sad. I wanted to see her smile. Just for a little while I wanted to be carefree and happy. I wanted to be like any newlywed couple: planning our life together. I wanted to have children with Amu. But that's not possible now.

Now I have a few days left. I am alone right now. I wanted to be left alone to think things through. I know that cancer is like a parasite. But can't it see that killing me will kill it too? Can't we just live together? I don't want to die. Not yet. I want to live with my beautiful wife and have kids. Is it too much to ask? Now I can hardly breathe. It hurts.

Amu comes back and I ask her to lie next to me. She rests her head on my chest listening to my heart. And she stays like this.

I can feel that I don't have time. I'd like to talk to her one last time. "Amu?" I whisper, she just looks at me. "You know that I love you, right?" She nods unable to speak, but then whispers. "I love you too… I have to tell you something…. I'm pregnant." I didn't know what to say. I felt tears running down my cheek. I didn't cry since I found out about my condition. "I'm sorry, Amu… for leaving you to… raise our child." I wanted to see that baby. I wanted to be there when she or he is born, when it start to walk, talk. I'd give anything for that. "I shouldn't have told you that." She says when she sees me cry. "No. I'm glad… you did. Promise me something. You and our child… will be happy." I can't die peacefully if she won't be happy. At least try to be happy. I want her to smile again. "I-I-I promise I'll try." I feel a little relief. I'll have a child with Amu even though I won't meet my baby. I put my hand on her stomach but it's still flat. Still, I know that my baby's in there. I look into her eyes one last time and smile a little, she tries to smile back. Now I can die. "I love you… my little strawberry." Then I closed my eyes.

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_Please review. First fan fiction ever. And I'm learning English so tell me about my mistakes please._

_I hope you liked it._


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